


i keep on going back (even though i am bruised)

by troubledsouls



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Consent Issues, Hypersexuality, Multi, Non-Explicit Sexual Content, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Josh Dun/Original Male Character, Past Kink, Recovery, Trench Era, past dubious consent, sex as self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-09-17 16:48:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16978308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/troubledsouls/pseuds/troubledsouls
Summary: Josh feels so, so sick. He doesn’t want to believe it. He can’t believe it. “I wasn’t abused.”“None of us said you were.”There’s silence after Jenna’s words. Josh bites his hand and keeps his eyes closed and doesn’t cry.





	i keep on going back (even though i am bruised)

**Author's Note:**

> i dont really have an explanation for this. the first segment came to me and, well, the rest followed. i think this is a story i needed to tell. 
> 
> there’s discussion of bdsm stuff, but none of that stuff is actually done. past dubious consent is also discussed a lot. there’s one part where josh lies about his consent to tyler. 
> 
> follows the trench era but isn’t compliant. anyways josh dun is gonna be a Husband! dont read this if you dont like debby cause shes very important 
> 
> biggest possible thank yous and love to [ella](/users/flightlessnerds) and [mars](/users/marsakat) for reasons
> 
> title from cut my lip

“You good?” Tyler slings an arm across Josh’s shoulders as they exit the stage. 

“Of course.” Josh grins his signature grin and feels none of it. 

He goes back to his dressing room and locks the door. He doesn’t bother to turn the light on before lying down on his back on the floor. The dark makes things easier, anyways. 

He shoves his pants and boxers down his thighs. 

The strokes he gives himself are dry and kind of unpleasant, but it’s easy for him to get hard. He doesn’t know if he’s getting off on the pain or the friction or both. He isn’t sure he’s getting off at all, even as he cums on his bare, sweaty stomach. 

He lies there for a few long moments, coming down from what was barely a high, and then gets up. 

Cleaning himself up is routine. He steps into the shower and lets the hot water wash away the sweat and cum and sickness in his stomach. 

He knows that masturbation releases dopamine and endorphins, knows that he should feel sated and maybe a little tired, knows that he should feel good.

He steps out of the shower and stares at himself in the mirror. 

Josh feels none of those things. In fact, he feels like shit. 

Drying off and getting dressed is easy, routine. Going back to his bus is easy, routine. Going to his room is easy, routine. 

He watches porn and makes himself cum twice in a row, and his stomach rolls with nausea and he doesn’t feel anything.

•••••••

“Hey, dude.” Debby grins and kisses Josh’s cheek. 

He smiles, and it feels empty. “Hi.”

The two of them are maybe-dating, at the very least they’re kissing and hanging out way more. No sex, though, because every time Debby had asked, something in Josh’s stomach had twisted and he’d found himself saying no even before he understood why. 

She never minded, so they stayed kissing and maybe-dating. 

He doesn’t deserve her. 

She doesn’t deserve him. 

“How’s the first week been?” Debby takes his hand and, well, maybe they are more than maybe-dating, but Josh has too much anxiety to bring it up. 

“Pretty good.” Josh leads her to his bus from the back halls of the venue. 

His bus is nice. He gets his own little room, with a real bed instead of a bunk. It’s because he’s the artist, the talent. Perks of being famous, he guesses. 

The two talk for a little bit, but talking escalates to kissing escalates to making out escalates to Josh checking to make sure the bus is empty. 

“Are you sure?” Debby murmurs, eyes open and making contact with Josh’s. “Don’t do this just because I want to.”

“I’m sure.” He’s sure, even if he feels a little nauseous. 

“Okay.” Debby starts kissing down Josh’s neck. 

He bites his hand and makes a strangled noise.

Their sex is gentle and comforting, and Josh cries afterwards.

•••••••

“What do you guys do to wind down after shows?” 

The question digs a shard of anxiety into Josh’s heart. He knows it’s his turn to answer, his turn to take the lead. 

“Um, I lie down in the dark in my dressing room and, like,” his hands are shaking, but when are they not during interviews, “listen to calming music.”

It’s not entirely a lie. It’s what he did before their break, their hiatus. 

It’s not what he does now, but not even Tyler knows that.

•••••••

Instead of in his dressing room, after the show Josh finds himself face to face with Jenna. 

Her voice is soft. “Can we talk?”

Josh is hyperaware of the yellow and green confetti stuck to his sweaty skin, of how he’s half-hard, of how he’s nodding an assent before he knows what he’s doing. 

“Where’s Tyler?” He asks the question before he has time to think about it. 

“Probably showering.” Jenna leads Josh into his dressing room. She turns the light on and shuts the door, leaving it unlocked. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I’m fine.” He lies easily. Its become second nature. 

“Is your head okay?” Jenna doesn’t need to ask permission to take his hat off and inspect. 

The spot where he’d slammed his head against the car riser is still red and a little scabbed. It’s mostly healed, mostly covered by the hair around it. 

“I’m okay Jenna, really.” 

He wants her to go. He wants her to leave so he can turn the light off and make himself cum and repeat the cycle he’s been trapped in for the past two weeks. 

“Are you sure?” Jenna tosses the hat onto the couch.

“Really.”

“You know you can always talk to me if you need.” She rests a gentle hand on his right bicep, fingers brushing across the swirl of his tattoo. “And Tyler will always listen. He’s been worried, too. You’ve been drawing into yourself lately.”

Josh’s words catch in his throat. 

God, he wants to tell her what happened over their break, over the last leg of their tour.

“I…” Jenna’s affection is almost too much for him. “I’ll talk if I need. Thank you, Jenna.”

She knows he’s holding back. She has a way of knowing things.

She says nothing, though, just nods and leaves. 

Josh doesn’t masturbate, just picks the confetti off his skin and lets the water wash away what he can’t reach. 

He still feels sick.

•••••••

“Am I a rebound?” Debby asks into the dark. 

Josh is still reeling from his earlier conversation with Jenna, and it takes him a moment to collect his thoughts. The rumbling of the bus across the highway fills the space in between her question and his answer. 

“No.” He’s telling the truth. “If you were a rebound, we probably would have fucked way earlier.”

That makes Debby laugh. Josh doesn’t feel like smiling. 

“Do you want to do that? Fuck?” 

He doesn’t know. Part of him wants her to blow him until he can’t breathe, part of him wants to eat her out until she can’t stop shaking, part of him wants them to fuck until they’re so loud the whole world would hear them. 

Part of him wants to masturbate to triggering porn until he can’t cum anymore. 

Part of him wants nothing at all. 

“I don’t know.” He settles on that, because it’s the easiest thing out of all his swirling thoughts. 

“That’s okay, dude. We can just cuddle.” Her voice is like starlight. 

Josh thinks he loves her.

•••••••

Ten minutes before the show starts, Josh meets Tyler on the stage. 

They soak in the noise of the crowd, standing side by side. 

“How are you feeling?” Tyler asks. 

Josh takes a moment to answer. “I’m feeling okay.” He keeps lying.

“I can’t believe we’re here, on this stage, and pretty soon we’re gonna be playing in front of all those people.”

“Are you sure it’s not a recording?” Josh tries a joke. “Mark could be messing with us.”

Tyler laughs, and Josh feels a little better.

•••••••

He doesn’t know why he’s doing this. 

He’s watching porn, touching himself with purpose as he listens to the man on the video call the woman whore, slut, fucktoy, good for nothing but sex. There’s cum already on his stomach and tears in his eyes and he doesn’t know why he’s doing this. 

The door opens, and Josh has no time to react. 

Debby shuts it behind her. 

The ground rumbles under the wheels of the bus.

“Hi.” She whispers. “I know you said you wanted to be left alone, but I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Josh sets his phone beside his head and bites his hand. He’s trying not to sob. 

“Do you want me to help you?”

His hand is still around his dick, the audio is still in his ears, and all he wants to do is cry. 

Debby sits next to him and picks up the phone, frowning at what’s on the screen. “Is this what you’re into?”

He can’t respond. 

She watches it for a few more moments, at one point taking one of Josh’s earbuds and listening. 

The woman moans out ‘daddy’, and Josh squeezes his eyes shut. 

“Do you want to do this stuff to me?”

He shakes his head vigorously. 

“Do… do you want me to do this stuff to you?”

Again, he shakes his head. 

Debby looks confused. “Why are you watching it?”

He doesn’t know how to answer. 

She pauses the video, takes the earbuds out of her and Josh’s ears, and sets his phone down. “What happened, before…?” The rest of her question hangs in empty air. 

Josh’s hand is still on his dick, but it’s soft. “A lot.” He knows what she’s asking. 

“Okay.” She’s so gentle. “Okay. You don’t have to tell me. I’m gonna go grab a washcloth or something, and clean you up.”

The door closes behind her with a soft click, but reopens within moments. 

Josh has switched to biting his forearm, colorful tattoo covering his face. 

Debby is so, so gentle as she cleans him up, wiping the cum off his stomach and cleaning the lube off his hand and dick. The water is warm, and Josh finds he can breathe just a little bit easier. 

He manages to pull himself together enough to get his boxers on and pull an old t-shirt over his torso. 

Instead of their usual arrangement, Debby holds Josh, hand curled in what little hair he has, his face tucked into her chest. 

“You’re okay.” She promises. 

Josh wants to believe her.

•••••••

Debby and Jenna manage to corner him in his dressing room a couple days later. 

“Huh?” Josh pulls his earbuds out of his ears and pauses his music. 

Debby looks guilty. “We wanted to talk to you about what happened.”

It takes him seconds to put two and two together. “You told her?” Josh casts a half-glare at Jenna, who merely shrugs. 

“She asked, and I… I didn’t want to lie to her.” Debby twists her hair. “You… You were…”

Shame burns all over his body. “Okay. It’s okay. I didn’t say not to tell anyone.” He wishes he had. 

Jenna sits next to Josh, on his right. Debby sits to his left. Josh doesn’t know if he feels trapped or not. 

“Josh.” Jenna speaks gently.

“Jenna.”

“I’m not going to ask you to talk about why you were watching that. I just want you to be okay.”

Josh thinks he might throw up. 

“You were hurting yourself.” It’s not a question. 

Josh nods. He doesn’t know how else to respond. 

“Joshua.” Jenna takes his right hand in both of her own. 

“Don’t tell Tyler.” It’s the only thought going through Josh’s head. “He has enough going on, he doesn’t have to know, just don’t tell him please…”

“He’s worried about you. We’re all worried about you.”

He wants to snap back at her, to say something hurtful, but he’s just defeated. “I didn’t want any of you to find out.”

“So that you could go on hurting yourself?” Debby’s words cut into him. 

Josh is shaking. He can feel tears in his eyes. “I was trying to… to…” He can’t lie to them. “I don’t know. Maybe I was just hurting myself.” He stares down at his lap.

“I won’t make you promise something you can’t keep.” Jenna squeezes his hand. “But, can you at least try and stop? For me and Debby?”

Josh nods. The tears drip down his cheeks and hit his lap. 

He feels numb.

•••••••

After the show, Josh showers. He packs up his stuff and goes back to his bus. He watches a movie with Debby curled up against his side, and then sleeps with her in his arms.

•••••••

Tyler eyes Josh’s boner. “You good?”

Josh blushes and crosses his legs. “Fine.” His voice cracks. 

Don’t tell Tyler. Don’t tell Tyler that Josh was definitely thinking about them having sex. Not in a fantasizing way, in a my-thoughts-are-deciding-this-is-what-we-are-thinking-about-and-I-hate-it kind of way. 

“You should probably take care of that before our next interview.”

“Uh-huh.” Josh bites the side of his index finger. 

“Do you need help?” There’s a teasing light in Tyler’s eyes. 

Josh’s blush covers his whole face. “Nope.” He stands up and starts towards his dressing room. 

He masturbates in the dark to the thought of Tyler sucking his dick, and he feels terrible about it.

•••••••

“How are you doing?” Jenna asks Josh.

He ties his bandanna around his head before responding. “Pretty good.” He knows what she’s asking. “I haven’t hurt myself in, um, that way.” He’s half-lying. He doesn’t know if the whole Tyler thing the day before counted or not.

“I’m still here to talk.”

“I know.” Josh pulls his beanie onto his head. 

He’s not going to talk to her. Not until she makes him.

•••••••

Josh is good. Josh is good for four days. He doesn’t masturbate for four days.

He caves after four days and watches porn that fucking terrifies him, and he only cums once before he goes and has a panic attack in the bathroom.

Debby is gone, Debby left the day before, and Josh doesn’t know what to do because his brain is filled with terrifying images that he sought out and he can’t fucking breathe and there’s cum on his body and hand and and and-

He texts Jenna.

_hi_

_Hey_

_What’s up?_

_i did bad_

_It’s okay, Josh_

_What do you need right now?_

_i_

_cant breathe_

_Hold on, I know I have that gif you like on here_

_i dont know why i did this i dont understand i knew it was going to scare me but i watched it anyway and i came and i feel so fucking bad jenna i_

_im scared_

_**New Picture Message!** _

_Breathe with that, Josh_

_okay_

The shapes on his phone screen expand and contract, and he tries to match his breathing with it. Outside of the cramped bus bathroom, he can hear muffled laughter and the sound of the television.

He wishes Jenna was here, right next to him, talking him down.

_Do you want to talk about what you saw, or is that going to make it worse?_

_it was_

_scary_

_stuff that we used to do but a thousand times worse_

_stuff that i know he would’ve wanted to escalate to if i stayed_

_You’re okay_

_You’re not with him anymore_

_it almost scarred jenna_

_What did?_

_If you can tell me_

_If you feel safe telling me_

_he_

_he didn’t like that i had tyler’s name on me_

_so he_

_cut his own name into my thigh_

_and i thought it would scar i wanted it to scar back then but it’s gone now_

_Oh, Josh_

His hands are shaking so bad.

He pauses in texting to wash his hands and clean his stomach. He doesn’t want to feel even more gross later.

_I wish I was there with you right now_

_i didnt want him to do it jenna_

_Josh_

_i didnt want_

_I love you_

_And if i have anything to say about it, you’re going to be okay_

_I promise you that_

_And I would never lie to you_

_i love you too_

_Are you breathing okay now?_

_yes_

_Get some sleep_

_That always helps Tyler after late-night breakdowns_

_i will_

Josh types out another ‘i love you’, but never hits send. Instead, he goes back into his room and crashes on his bed and sleeps for fourteen hours.

•••••••

“Do you want to talk about last night?”

Josh is still rubbing his tiredness out of his eyes when Jenna speaks to him. 

“Uh, kind of.” He owes her an explanation, and he does kind of want to talk about it, but his brain is half-fuzzy from sleep and the interview he just did five minutes after waking up. 

Tyler appears out of nowhere and hugs Jenna from behind, resting his head on her shoulder. “Tired.”

Jenna smiles, and she’s like the moon, all white soft glow. “That’s because you were awake until five.”

A soft grunt of protest is Tyler’s only response, and she laughs. 

“I got seven hours, I don’t know what my body’s problem is.” Tyler lifts his head. 

“I think it’s telling you to catch up on what you missed over the past year.”

Instead of answering, Tyler spins Jenna around and kisses her. Josh looks away. “I gotta go do my half of soundcheck.” He kisses her again, and then he’s gone. 

Jenna watches him go, moonlight smile still all over her face. 

“Um.” Josh doesn’t want to ruin her moment, but he’d just had the courage to speak and he can already feel it slipping away. 

She turns to him. “Want to talk somewhere more private?”

“I don’t even know where my dressing room is.”

“I do. Come on.”

She leads with all the effect of taking his hand. He follows her closely, twisting between people and equipment, to a door that bears his name. 

It’s not locked, and Jenna opens the door and flips the light switch. 

Josh almost feels like he’s walking to his doom as he steps into the room. 

“Start wherever you like.” Jenna shuts the door. He can hear the click of the lock. “You can tell me about what you were watching, i think that might be a good starting point. Or you can tell me about him.”

Josh hadn’t meant for the stuff about him to spill out of him over text. He’d just been so, so scared and thoughts had been racing through his brain and he felt like he had to get some of them out or he’d die. 

“I’m not into that sort of stuff.” The preface to what he’s about to say comes out quiet and shaky. 

“I believe you.”

They’re both still standing, facing each other. It makes Josh more sure that he can bolt if she freaks out. 

“I was, um.” He takes a deep breath and steadies himself. “I was watching torture porn stuff.”

There’s no visible change in her expression. 

“I don’t… I don’t like that kind of thing. It scares me.” He tries not to think about the ones where people could die. “But he, uh, he was really into that kind of, um, sex. Where people hurt each other.”

“Did he make you do that?”

“He didn’t make me, kind of, not really.” Josh knows he’s shaking. He can’t look Jenna in the eye. Instead, his gaze darts around the room nervously. “I… God, Jenna, I can’t…”

“Shh, Josh.” Jenna reaches out and grasps his hands. “You don’t have to tell me anything. You don’t owe me anything.”

“I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to but I did want to because I just wanted to be good. I tried and tried so hard and I was good, I did everything he wanted and it...” Josh realizes he’s crying, tears pouring down his face and dripping onto the floor. “I didn’t… It was so scary.”

“Joshua. Listen to me.” Jenna’s voice has a very soft air of command. “If you didn’t want it, it doesn’t matter what else happened.”

His brain doesn’t know how to handle her words. “I’m scared. I’m scared because I did so well over the break, but now we’re touring and I’m back to where I was just after we broke up and I hate it!” Josh can barely breathe. “Why am I like this, why am I doing this, I didn’t- I don’t-”

“Josh.” Her hands move to cup his face, and he finally looks her in the eye. He expects to find disgust, anger, but only finds concern. “Josh, honey…”

He can’t make himself stop crying. 

“You were hurt.” Jenna’s voice sinks into his skin. “He traumatized you, Josh.”

His brain fights the notion, the fact, but Josh’s heart knows it’s true. Josh’s heart has known for a while. 

“You keep going back to it.” Jenna murmurs. “Am I right?”

Josh nods and chokes on his sobs. He wants to bawl, to scream, but he doesn’t want anyone else to hear him. 

One of Jenna’s hands moves to run across Josh’s buzzed hair. “What you’re talking about, that kind of sex, that’s not all that sex is.”

“It’s all I know.” Josh manages to get those simple words out. 

Jenna’s expression morphs into one of sadness, and Josh breaks.

•••••••

Josh laments that he doesn’t wear the red eyeshadow anymore. 

His eyes are red from crying, he looks like a wreck, and he has no idea how he’s gonna make it through the show. 

But he does, somehow, even though all of it’s a blur. He thinks he makes mistakes, maybe, but before he knows it the show is over and he’s bowing with Tyler’s arm across his shoulders. 

“You okay?” Tyler asks. He’s almost drowned out by the crowd. 

Josh considers lying. 

He shakes his head, letting the truth slip to Tyler for the first time in what feels like forever.

•••••••

Shame burns hot in Josh’s chest. It’s packed into a tight ball right where his heart is, and he feels like it’s gonna consume him. 

Tyler had been the one to calm him down from his freakout before the show, when Jenna hadn’t been able to get through to him. It had been Tyler, Tyler’s words, Tyler’s gentle touches. 

Tyler knew Josh better than Josh knew himself. 

Of course Tyler had noticed that Josh had been hiding the truth. 

Josh didn’t know when lying to Tyler had become second nature. The two of them had always been open and honest with each other, never lying about how they were doing, always confiding in and helping one another. 

So that’s why shame burns deadly in Josh’s chest when Tyler confronts him after the show. 

“Shower together, like old times?” Tyler has an easy smile on his face. 

Confront isn’t the right word, but Josh can’t think of a different one. 

“Sure.” He doesn’t know what else to say. Rejecting Tyler’s request would set him even more off balance than he already is.

“Come on. We’ll use my bathroom.” Tyler sets off down the hall to his dressing room, and Josh feels as though he has no choice but to follow.

The two of them have seen each other naked more times than they can count, but Josh still feels dirty and awkward and exposed just taking his pants off. God, Josh hasn’t been completely naked in front of Tyler for over two years.

Tyler, however, has definitely stripped naked in front of Josh within the past couple years, and he has no problem getting off all his clothes within moments. He turns on the shower and sticks his hand under the stream, letting out a soft squeak when he touches the cold water.

“C’mon Josh. Get naked.” Tyler keeps his hand under the water until it’s to an acceptable temperature, then steps into the shower.

Josh takes off his boxers and follows Tyler.

“Shaved head means a lot less to deal with.” Tyler hogs the water. Josh can already feel the steam clouding the room. Tyler likes to shower hot, almost burning. 

Maybe the heat is what Josh needs to get the feeling of dirtiness off his skin.

Tyler’s shower is already set up with shampoo and body wash. He cleans his hair first, rubbing the suds all over his scalp, and then reaches out for Josh. “C’mere.”

Josh tilts his head forwards, and Tyler transfers some of the shampoo onto what little of Josh’s hair there is.

The gentle touch is nice, and Josh nearly whimpers when Tyler takes his hands away. “Rinse.” It’s a command. 

Josh tenses, but he follows it. He sticks his head beneath the water and lets the suds get washed down his face and into the drain. 

“Want to talk about it?” Tyler’s voice is half-obscured by water as he rinses his own hair. 

“Talk about what?” Josh struggles to keep his voice even. 

“Don’t play games with me, Josh.” He can tell Tyler’s also straining to stay calm. “You had a huge freakout today that took me half an hour to calm you down from, Jenna was with you in your dressing room with a locked door, and she wouldn’t tell me what set you off.”

Josh suppresses a flinch. Even though he’d closed his eyes halfway through Tyler’s words, he knows Tyler is staring right into his soul. 

“You’ve been acting weird for two years, Josh. Two years of keeping secrets from me, two years of lying about how you’re doing.” Tyler can’t keep his anger locked away from his tone. “I don’t understand what I did, Josh, please just tell me!”

Of course. Of course Tyler would blame himself. 

Don’t tell Tyler is a mantra that nearly blocks Josh’s throat as he tries to speak. “It’s not you.”

“Then who is it? What happened? What changed?” Tyler’s hands are clenched into fists, knuckles just on the edge of being white. “What the hell happened to us being open and honest with each other about everything?”

Naked in a shower is not the place Josh wants to be having this conversation. “It’s a long story.”

“Start with two years ago. Start with when you changed.” Tyler’s accusatory tone hurts. 

“I… I started dating this guy.” Terror grabs Josh’s heart. 

“Okay.” There’s no change of expression from Tyler.

“It was fine at first but it… I… It wasn’t good at the end.” Josh bites his right index finger, teeth digging into the skin. He’s trying not to cry.

“Okay. Okay.” Tyler chews at his lower lip. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay! I hurt you!” 

“Yeah. You did.”

Josh takes in a shaky breath. “He...” The revelation that he’s hurt Tyler, that he’s hurt his best friend in all the world, makes him want to sink into the floor and suffocate. “Tyler… I never wanted to hurt you. I never… I just…” It’s too hard to gather his thoughts together. “He didn’t like that we were close. That I was close with you. That I… That I loved you.”

That’s the first time either has mentioned that they love each other in over a year.

“Your… ex-boyfriend?”

“Yeah.” Josh stops biting his hand. There’s blood welling up from where his teeth have broken his skin. “I’m fucking bi, Tyler.”

“That’s… No, Josh, I am too, that’s not my problem. I never knew you had a boyfriend.”

Oh. Oh. Tyler’s bi. Oh.

This is absolutely not the way Josh expected to be coming out, and by the look on Tyler’s face, it’s not the way he expected either.

“I didn’t know how… you’d… react…” Guilt settles deep in Josh’s soul. “I didn’t know how anyone would react.”

“Josh, I love you, you’re my best friend, you… you should’ve told me! You should’ve told me when you were dating someone and you should have told me when things started going wrong!” Tyler reaches up to grab nonexistent hair. His hand lands on his head, curled into a fist. 

Josh is choking. Josh is drowning. “I’m sorry.”

Tyler reaches out, and for a second Josh thinks he’s gonna be hurt.

But Tyler just pulls him into a close hug, wrapping his arms tight around him.

For the second time that day, Josh cries.

•••••••

Josh goes back to his bus, and he goes to his room, and he sleeps and he sleeps and he sleeps.

He wakes up at 8 AM to a text from Jenna that reads _Can I tell him what I know?_

He responds with a simple _yes_ and goes back to sleep.

•••••••

Debby texts him an hour before the show.

_hewwo joshuwa_

_owo_

_u doing okay?_

_define okay_

_hm_

_had another freakout?_

_jenna told me abt wht happened yesterday_

_i wld say tht at this point not havin a big breakdown is okay enough_

_no more freakouts today_

_when will u be back?_

_ur break is in like a week right?_

_more like two but yeah_

_m going 2 hawaii in that time n im filming before then but i am coming with u guys 2 australia right?_

_ye ur joining us_

_so i will see u then_

_love u dude_

_love u dude_

He shuts off his phone and shoves it deep in his pocket.

•••••••

The rest of this leg of tour passes. 

Tyler gives Josh looks of pity when he thinks Josh isn’t looking. 

Josh masturbates right after shows, but doesn’t search out porn of what his relationship was and could have been. 

Josh avoids Jenna. 

It’s fine.

•••••••

Josh stays in Ohio long enough for thanksgiving, and flies out back to California as soon as he can get away with.

•••••••

Josh calls Tyler on his birthday. Their conversation is awkward, strained, and Josh hangs up feeling off balance. 

He decides that taking Jim out for a walk is the easiest way to clear his head. 

The harness goes on easy, Jim doing the dog equivalent of a smile and licking Josh’s face. 

“Sorry I’ve been ignoring you, buddy.” Josh pats Jim on the head and clips the leash on. “But I’m sure you got lots of love from everyone else on tour, right?”

Jim looks up at Josh. There’s forgiveness in his eyes, or maybe he’s reading too much into it. 

It’s not far from Josh’s house to a park, and Josh follows the paths that he runs in the early mornings. Jim sniffs at anything and everything, and Josh is content to get dragged to either side of the path. 

“Oh, Josh, hey!” 

Josh looks up and resists the urge to freeze. 

He’s standing there, his own dog on a leash. He’s smiling, like he’s delighted to see Josh again. 

“Jeez, can you believe its been a year?” 

Josh has never been good at small talk, but he sure does try. “Oh, wow, really? I’ve been so busy that time has just flown by.”

“Yeah, me too. You have a dog!” He steps up and reaches forwards and pets Jim, and Jim betrays Josh by leaning into the touch. “What’s his name?”

“Um, Ezra.” Josh lies. 

“That’s a nice name. You already know Mikey.”

Mikey, the dog, finishes paying attention to whatever he was sniffing and approaches Jim. 

“I gotta, like, get back to my house pretty soon.” Josh lies again and prays it’s convincing. “So I gotta finish giving Jim his quick walk.”

“Aw, that’s okay.” He smiles. Josh remembers falling for that smile. 

Jim loses interest in the other dog and moves to sniffing the other side of the path. 

“And, Josh,” He leans in to whisper, and Josh stays stock still, “I really do miss you. You were a good dom, and you were an even better sub. If you ever miss it, I’m always here. We didn’t break up on the greatest of terms, but…”

Josh fakes his smile. “I’ll think about it.” He already knows his answer is no. 

He winks, and then continues off in the opposite direction. 

Josh watches him go and tries to remember to breathe. 

As soon as he is out of sight, Josh squats down and tangles his hands in Jim’s fur. 

Jim whines, concerned, and noses at Josh’s face. 

“It’s okay. It’s okay. We’re okay. We will be okay.” Josh mumbles half-incoherently to himself. “We’re fine. It’s fine. It’s alright.”

•••••••

Australia is something different. 

Australia is different, and warm, and far away from him. Josh feels safer. 

At the same time, he feels more exposed. 

Jenna knows about his… his trauma, knows about the way Josh has been hurting himself. He’d given her permission to tell Tyler, and now Tyler knows everything through Jenna’s lens of it. 

Josh isn’t hurt. He’s fine. 

He knows he’s lying to himself, but he has to be fine. He was fine over their break. He’ll be fine now. 

Josh avoids Jenna, and does his best to avoid Tyler, and tries not to think about how it might be hurting them.

•••••••

The hotel they’re staying in is nice. 

Debby scrolls through her phone, and Josh lies in bed next to her and stares up at the ceiling. 

“How are you?” She asks into the silence. 

“Okay.” Josh answers. 

“Are you lying?”

“I’m trying to be better about not doing that.”

“That’s good.” Debby shuts off her phone and sets it down. “Does that mean you weren’t lying to me, just now?”

“I wasn’t lying.” He doesn’t think he could ever truly lie to her. “I do feel okay.”

“Good.” She straddles him and then bends down to kiss him. 

It doesn’t take long for them to work each other up, it doesn’t take long until they’re both naked, with Debby still on top. 

She’s about to sink down onto him when something must show in his face. 

“You okay?” There’s hickeys blossoming on her chest, her lips are red and swollen, and her eyes are heavy with pleasure. 

Don’t say no, don’t say no, don’t say no. That repeats over and over in his head. 

He desperately wants to say no. 

“Josh, if the answer is anything other than yes, we’re stopping.”

His breath catches in his throat. 

“Dude, Joshie, I need an answer.” She cups her hand against his cheek. “Are you okay? Do you need to stop?”

Continue, don’t show that you’re uncomfortable, his brain screams at him to not let her down. 

But Debby isn’t him.

Debby doesn’t treat him like he did. 

“Yes.” His mouth feels so, so dry. “Yes. I need to stop.”

Debby gets off of him. 

Josh struggles to get his breathing even, but his brain is spiraling. He sits up and presses a hand to his chest, over his heart. 

“Hey.” Debby whispers. She touches him gently, one hand on his upper back, the other over his hand on his chest. “Josh?”

“I’m sorry.” He’s torn between what he wants at heart and what his conditioning is telling him. “I’m sorry I had to stop, I’m sorry I ruined this for you, I’m sorry-”

“Dude, no, don’t apologize.” Debby’s voice is so, so gentle. “You didn’t ruin anything.”

Josh realizes he’s crying. It’s barely noticeable, the only giveaways are the tears that make their way out of his eyes and his slight shaking. “Don’t you want to cum?”

“Do you?”

He takes a moment to assess how he feels. “No.” His voice is thick with tears. 

“Then I don’t either.”

She really is nothing like him. He would have freaked out, would have gotten upset at the fact that Josh didn’t want to have sex right then. 

“Okay.” Josh mumbles. “Okay. Okay. It’s okay.”

“We’re okay.” Debby says. It sounds like an answer. 

“You’re not mad?”

“Why would I be mad?”

“‘Cause you wanted to have sex and I…”

“Josh.” Her voice is stern, but it’s also caring and soft. “If… If I hadn’t said anything, would you have just… gone along with it?”

He nods. He closes his eyes, but the tears don’t stop. 

“Oh, no.” Debby hugs him, tight and soft. “No, no. You don’t have to do that with me. I would never get mad at you for wanting to stop.”

Josh cries quietly for a long time.

•••••••

The next day starts off great with Tyler grabbing Josh’s shoulder. “You’re avoiding me.”

Josh turns to face Tyler. “I am.” He tries not to feel fear. He’s mostly just tired, actually. Crying takes a lot out of him.

“Why?”

“Cause you’re gonna wanna talk about what Jenna told you and I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Well, okay, yeah. I do want to talk about it. I want your side, because Jenna’s side came with a lot of wondering about your mental state.”

“I bet half of the wondering was done by you.”

Tyler blushes slightly. If he were face to face with anyone else, they wouldn’t be able to detect it, but Josh knows. “We did talk about that, um, a lot. But it’s because we are worried about you.”

“Cool. Do that.” Josh knows he’s shutting down, but he can’t help it. He just doesn’t want to talk. Talking is terrifying and always seems to dredge up new memories.

“Don’t do this.” Tyler’s voice drops low and quiet. “Don’t hide. I know what that feels like from the inside and it’s not pleasant.”

“Because you’ve totally also had serious relationship trauma.” It’s hard for Josh to care about the people that pass by in the hallway that might hear him.

“I have…” Tyler casts a quick glance around to see who might be listening. “I have major depressive disorder, Josh. Maybe it’s not the exact same thing as PTSD, but you are showing some of the same symptoms that I do. And I know that talking helps me.”

“One, I do not have PTSD-”

“Really? Really?? Are you sure about-”

“Shut up for a second. Just, be quiet. One,” Josh holds up a finger, “I do not have PTSD. Two,” he holds up a second finger, “I don’t want to talk about it. What works for you isn’t necessarily going to work for me.”

“You can’t just keep everything locked up inside of you!” Tyler’s whisper carries the same weight as a shout, and Josh tries so hard not to flinch. 

“I can, and I will.”

“Why??”

“This is my stuff I have to deal with, I don’t want to dump it on you, I’ve already burdened Jenna and Debby enough with all of my-”

“Do you realize what you sound like?” Tyler’s voice starts to raise in volume. “You are not a burden for going through stuff! You’re not dumping it on me when I am asking you to talk to me because I want to help you!”

“I don’t want you to think any less of me-”

“Joshua William Dun, you are my best friend in the whole wide world, and I am already thinking less of you because you are avoiding me and refusing to let yourself be helped!”

It’s like a slap in the face. 

“You are hurting both of us, Josh, by closing yourself off from everyone.”

Josh’s brain is spinning. 

“Okay.” He mumbles. “Okay. Okay. Okay.”

“I just want you to talk.” Tyler cups Josh’s cheek with his hand. “You’re reminding me of myself five years ago, and it’s scaring me.”

Five years ago was scary for all of them. 

“Okay.” Josh says again, because he has nothing else. 

“I love you.” Tyler says, and the simple words feel like sunlight on Josh’s skin. 

“Tyler, I…” Josh pulls up courage from somewhere inside of himself. “I did things that you wouldn’t like. That you would never have even thought about doing. I don’t want you to think I’m a freak, or, or whatever.”

“It’s gonna be really hard to make me, of all people, think someone is freak.” Tyler drops his hand from Josh’s face. He misses the touch. 

“I mean in the, um,” Josh scratches at the back of his neck, “you know what? Nevermind.”

“The what?”

“Nope.”

“Josh, you legally have to tell me what you were about to say.”

“I absolutely do not.”

•••••••

“Conversation time.” Tyler pushes past Josh as soon as he opens the door to his and Debby’s hotel room. 

Jenna follows Tyler inside and gives Josh a half-shrug. 

Anxiety easily takes hold of Josh’s lungs. 

Debby is already in the room, sitting cross-legged against the headboard. Her phone is in her hand but her eyes are tracking Tyler. “We’re having a conversation?”

“Yes. We are talking about Josh’s issues because he won’t deal with them otherwise.” Tyler sits himself on the bed. 

Exasperation makes its way into Josh’s voice. “I really would rather not do that.”

“You’re just proving my point.” 

“His idea.” Jenna says, as a way of apology. 

The four of them sit in a circle on the bed. Josh feels awkward, and knows he’s already blushing. His body feels hot and anxious. 

Part of him wants to talk about it, wants to share, but his brain yells at him to not be a burden. 

“I’ll start out with what you’ve told us already.” Jenna speaks gently. “And then you can continue with whatever you feel like you can tell us.”

She’s too good to Josh. 

“Is that okay?”

He nods. 

“Can you respond verbally?”

“Okay.” Josh doesn’t want to speak. “We can do that.”

“Okay.” Jenna shifts into a cross-legged position. “You told me that you were watching torture porn, the kind of stuff that scares you and that your ex-boyfriend wanted, or might’ve wanted.”

“Wanted is correct.” Josh closes his eyes. “No uncertainty there.” It makes him feel sick.”

Jenna continues like he hasn't spoken. “You told me that he cut his name into your thigh, but that it didn’t scar.”

Tyler’s breath hitches. Jenna must have not told him that part.

“You said to Tyler that you have severe relationship trauma-”

“I shouldn’t have said that.” Josh’s nails dig into his palms. “I’m not traumatized, I’m fine, I just need to get over this.”

“Josh, trauma is not a bad thing.”

“I wanted it. It can’t have hurt me if I wanted it.” He wishes he had hair to pull.

“You told me that you didn’t really want it.” Jenna stays gentle even as Josh fights her words. “You told me that you just wanted to be good.”

“That’s still wanting.”

“Wanting to be good and wanting to have sex are two very different things.”

Josh feels so, so sick. He doesn’t want to believe it. He can’t believe it. “I wasn’t abused.”

“None of us said you were.”

There’s silence after Jenna’s words. Josh bites his hand and keeps his eyes closed and doesn’t cry. 

“Did he…” Debby’s voice shakes softly. 

“No, he didn’t, he didn’t do anything without my permission!” Josh feels angry and he doesn’t know why. “I said yes! I said yes, I consented, nobody took advantage of me!”

“Did you want to say yes, though?”

“I…” Josh finds himself at a loss for words. 

He’s tired of lying. 

“No.” His voice is suddenly very quiet. “I didn’t. But he would get upset, not at me, but with himself for even asking. I didn’t want him to be upset.” Josh twists the hem of his shirt around his fingers. “I never want to make anyone upset.”

“Is it okay if I touch you right now?”

Oh, bless Debby. 

“No.” Josh mumbles, and immediately afterwards he feels terrible. He looks up at Debby expecting to find anger and disappointment, but only finds concern and pity. 

He doesn’t know which he prefers. 

“Okay. That’s okay.” She’s almost awkward and out of place. Josh desperately needs her here. 

“Josh, if you didn’t want to say yes, you know that-”

“Don’t.” Josh cuts Tyler off. “Don’t say it.”

He doesn’t want to accept any of this. He’d told himself not again, he’d promised himself not again, but here he was and there he had been. 

“I think you need to hear it.”

“I don’t want to.”

Tyler’s tone is so matter-of-fact it almost hurts. “If you didn’t want to say yes but you felt pressured to, that’s sexual assault.”

No. No way. No fucking way. 

Josh wants to cover his ears and scream. 

“Josh?”

His ears are ringing. “I said yes.” It’s a weak defense. 

“Josh, I’m going to touch you.” 

Gentle hands take his, and Josh realizes it’s Jenna that’s been talking. 

“You’re okay. You’re with us. You’re safe.” She speaks softly. “You’ve been very good talking to us about this.”

Good. He’s been good. 

“I don’t think talking about this any more is going to help you.”

His mind agrees. 

“Can I hug you?” That’s Tyler. 

Josh nods. All he wants right now is to be held. 

Warm arms wrap around him. Gentle hands, Debby’s hands, press against his back and arm and make slow circles. Jenna doesn’t let go. 

Josh finds he’s too exhausted to cry.

•••••••

The rest of Australia feels normal, feels like their 2016 tours in terms of how well he and Tyler get along. 

Maybe Josh just needed to tell him a little bit about it. 

Tyler still doesn’t know everything. 

Only Josh does.

•••••••

At the end of the tour leg, Josh finds himself in a gay bar in New Zealand. 

Nobody else on the crew is there. He didn’t tell anyone where he was going. 

He dances and flirts and doesn’t drink, and eventually he’s on his knees and blowing some guy in the bathroom. 

He’s praised and degraded, nails dig into his scalp, and Josh just sucks and hums and takes it. 

The guy doesn’t get him off afterwards, which Josh doesn’t mind. He just picks himself up off the floor and leaves. 

Getting back to the hotel is easy, it’s not that far, but his knees and throat hurt and his head is spinning. 

He opens the door to his and Debby’s room and turns on the light. 

She’s lying in the bed under the covers, but she sits up as soon as light blankets the room. “You’re here.”

“I’m here.”

“Where were you?”

“Are we dating?”

She blinks at him. “I thought we were.”

“Okay.” Josh runs a hand over his head. “We just never had the, uh, conversation. So i wasn’t one hundred percent sure.”

“Dude, I’ve been telling everyone you’re my boyfriend.” Debby doesn’t seem hurt, but she could just not be showing it on her face. “I’d hope that we’re dating. I’m on tour with you. It would be weird if we weren’t dating.”

“Okay. Okay. Okay.” Josh steadies his breathing. “So, we are dating. I thought we were. Um, okay. That means I just cheated on you.”

Debby nods once. 

“I sucked some guy off in a bathroom.”

“I could tell.” She pats the empty space beside her on the bed. “Sit.”

Josh follows orders well. 

“Thank you for telling me.” She links their hands together. 

“I’m sorry.” He can’t look at her. 

“Can I ask why?”

“Of course. I’m the one who fucked up here.” Josh rubs his eyes with his free hand. “Can I be really blunt?”

“Sure.”

“I just really wanted a dick down my throat.”

Debby snorts in a restrained laugh.

Josh lets out a nervous giggle. “That’s fair.”

She feeds off of his laughter, and he reflects hers, and then they’re both giggling uncontrollably and clinging to each other. 

“Oh my god, dude.” Debby finally gets out. 

“It’s the truth!” 

“When you said you were gonna be blunt I was not expecting that!” Debby takes a deep breath. “I thought you were gonna break up with me or something.”

“I’m oblivious and an idiot.” 

“You really are.” She isn’t agreeing with him because she believes it. “I’m glad you told me right away, instead of waiting for me to ask you about where you were and then lying.”

“I’m tired of lying.” He means it. “Um, how… how mad are you?”

Debby seriously considers his question for a few seconds. “Not very, since you told me right away. Honestly, I’m more upset that you didn’t think we were dating.”

“We’ve covered that I am an oblivious idiot.”

“Yes we have.” Debby kisses him on the cheek. “Okay, so, dude, two things. One, if you ever have the urge to do something sexual that I can’t help you with, um, tell me about it? So that I can help you work something out. Two, uh, if you need to suck dick I’d rather you sucked Tyler’s than a stranger’s.”

Josh chokes on his spit and coughs for a minute. Debby pats his back. 

“What?” He finally manages. 

“Have you ever wanted to fuck Tyler?”

Josh clears his throat and tries to ignore his arriving boner. “Kind of? But in more of an I-don’t-want-to-be-thinking-about-this kind of way than in an actual fantasizing way.”

“Okay. I’ll put that differently: are you attracted to Tyler?”

Josh doesn’t hesitate with his answer. “Yes.” He rubs his eyes. “My brain stopped working the first time we met. He’s… He’s so…”

“I know. I have seen Tyler.”

“Yeah. He’s… yeah.” 

“Would you be opposed to sucking his dick?”

“Debby.”

“Josh.”

Oh, he is definitely hard. “I would not be opposed in any way. But, Debby, he’s married. To Jenna.”

“She’s also very pretty, isn’t she?”

Debby is bi. Josh knows this. He was the first person she came out to. 

He buries his face in his hands and mumbles into his skin. “They’re monogamous. No way would Tyler let me suck his dick. You’re also assuming Tyler isn’t straight.” He doesn’t want to out Tyler to her.

“There’s no way he’s straight. Look at him. And, also, dude, do you know that they’re monogamous? Cause you can be surprised by people.”

Josh groans. 

He’s hard now, and it’s uncomfortable, and he kind of wants to stop talking about this because the idea of being on his knees for Tyler is doing things to him. 

Debby pokes his boner. “Did that guy get you off?”

“No.”

“Do you want me to?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll blow you if you eat me out.”

Josh stifles a moan. “Deal.”

•••••••

“I talked to Jenna.” Debby speaks softly. The rumble of the plane covers her words and shields them from everyone but the two of them. “About monogamy.”

Josh nods and pretends to fidget with his phone. They’re watching a movie together on the tiny plane screen, a pair of earbuds shared between them.

“She said that she and Tyler have conversations about it sometimes.” Debby takes one of his hands. “I also asked her, specifically, about you and Tyler.”

Josh flushes. He can’t help it. “And?”

“She said you’re probably the only person she and Tyler would be okay with letting into their relationship. And, um.” Debby blushes with him, but for a different reason. “She said that she, personally, wouldn’t mind me being involved in that equation.”

Josh takes a long few moments to process her words. He decides to address them one at a time. “Let me into their relationship?”

“Dude, you’d be an idiot if you weren’t attracted to Jenna.”

“That’s fair.” He rubs at his eyes and continues thinking. “So, uh, Jenna. Wouldn’t mind you being with her and also maybe Tyler.”

“I know.” Debby looks a little in awe. “Dude.”

“Dude.” Josh echoes. “So, uh, she’s not straight?”

“Look at her.”

“Yeah.”

“She’s pan. She said I could tell you.” Debby drags her hands down her face. “Dude, she’s so pretty, and she thinks I’m pretty, holy shit, how the fuck.”

“I think you’re pretty.” 

“Well, yeah, but you’re you and she’s her.”

Josh puts on a mock offended face. “Do I mean nothing to you?”

Debby grins. “Yes.”

He gasps and presses a hand over his heart, and them they both fall into quiet laughter. 

Josh knows he loves her. How could he not?

“Okay, okay, dude.” He tries to pull himself together. Their conversation was supposed to be serious. “Jenna says she’s okay with her and Tyler becoming her and Tyler and me, and also maybe you.”

“Yes.” Debby takes a deep breath, but she can’t stop smiling. “Two plus two makes four.”

“We should talk about this. All four of us.”

“If it works out you can suck Tyler’s dick.”

“Well, yeah.” Josh tries not to laugh at that and half-fails. “What if he doesn’t want me to suck his dick though?”

“Dude, if he doesn’t, he’s crazy. Anyone would be blessed to have your mouth on their genitalia.” Debby wiggles her eyebrows, and he nearly chokes on his laughter.

•••••••

Christmas comes with the addition of Debby. 

Josh’s mother gives him looks and asks why he didn’t tell her he’s back with Debby. He doesn’t really have an answer for her.

•••••••

Tyler and Jenna invite them over for brunch the day after Christmas, and it’s just the four of them eating and talking and laughing together. 

Debby’s the one who brings it up. She’s good at stuff like that.

“So, hey, we gotta talk about relationships.” Debby speaks around a mouthful of food. Jenna’s cooking is too good to not eat and talk at the same time. 

“What about relationships?” Tyler swallows before speaking. 

“Josh wants to suck your dick.”

Josh is so lucky that he has nothing in his mouth when she speaks, because he probably would have either spit it out or choked on it. Either way, he’s mortified. “Debby!!”

“I thought bluntness would be the best way to go here-”

“That desire is probably the least notable part of this whole thing!”

“Okay, yeah, you also wanna do sappy things like cuddle and kiss under the stars like you’ve wanted for years-”

“Dude, shut up!”

Jenna is muffling her laughter behind her hand, but she can’t disguise the tears in her eyes. Tyler is bright red and doesn’t know whether to look at Josh, Debby, or Jenna.

“Okay, hold on you two.” Jenna pulls herself together enough to talk. “Just, hold on.”

Tyler’s voice is quiet. “Oh my god.”

Jenna breaks into laughter again. 

Josh stares at her for a couple seconds, then switches to looking at Tyler. “I am so sorry.”

“So, maybe blunt wasn’t the best approach.” Debby sounds very sheepish. “Can I try this again?”

“Go ahead.” Tyler’s still very very red. 

“So, me and Josh and also me and Jenna have been talking about us, and relationships.” Debby clears her throat. There’s red high up on her cheeks. “Josh has been having a few, uh, hypersexuality problems.”

“Cool.” Tyler says. Jenna reaches the coughing point of laughter. 

“Also, he’s attracted to both of you, and Jenna says that you two might possibly be okay with him in your relationship.” Debby speaks very matter-of-factly. 

“It wouldn’t be all sex.” Josh feels like he has to clarify. “Debby is just way more comfortable with me doing my gay sexual urges with, uh, someone we both know well.”

“You three are just, so awkward, and also focusing on maybe the least important parts of all of this.” Jenna has managed to pull herself out of laughter enough to speak. “Tyler, Josh thinks you and I are attractive. I think he and Debby are attractive. I would like to date both of them.”

Josh chokes on the water he was trying to drink. 

Tyler has started fidgeting with his wedding ring. He seems unable to get rid of his blush. “Okay. Um. I think Josh and Debby are attractive too.” 

Tyler? Tyler thinks he’s attractive? Josh might die.

“Do they join us? Do we join them? How does this work?” Jenna runs a hand through her hair. “This is new to me.”

“Talking is the first step.” Tyler mumbles. “I was in, uh, a couple poly relationships. And I want to be in one with Josh. And Debby. Um.”

Yep. Josh is going to die. He’s gonna die and it’s Tyler Joseph’s fault. 

“It’s not just about sex.” Josh says. 

Tyler’s voice gets even quieter. “I wouldn’t mind if it was.”

Josh’s brain doesn’t know what to do with that information, so it decides to bluescreen. 

Debby speaks after a couple seconds. “That was easier than I thought it would be.”

Jenna is giggling again. Josh struggles to reconnect with speech. Tyler is blushing very hard, as he has been for the whole conversation. 

“I think a kiss should seal this, yeah?” Jenna offers. “I think we should negotiate specifics as they come up, but are we all cool with all being in a relationship with each other?” She shines like the moon. 

“Very much so.” Debby smiles at Jenna. She reminds Josh so much of starlight. 

“Yes.” Tyler says. He looks a little dumbfounded. He’s all bright sunlight. 

Josh is so lucky to have them all in his life. “Of course.”

Jenna stands and moves to Debby and kisses her first, soft and slow. They part, and then Jenna’s lips are on Josh’s and oh, kissing her is indescribable. 

Debby smiles and leans over and kisses Tyler, who kisses her back like she’s something new and precious. 

Then, it’s Josh and Tyler’s turn. 

Tyler cups Josh’s face in his hands and presses a soft kiss to the tip of his nose, and then to his lips. They start soft, slow, and that’s where they stay. 

Josh pulls back slowly and opens his eyes. 

“Wow.” Tyler breathes. “Us.”

“All of us.” Josh whispers. 

“All of us.”

His stars. His sun. His moon. 

How did Josh ever get so lucky?

•••••••

True to what Debby had first said, Josh does suck Tyler’s dick. 

It’s pretty great. It quiets an urge in his chest that’s been there since they met.

•••••••

Leaving to go back to LA hurts. The four of them had just created something new and beautiful. 

The next tour would bring them together again, though. 

Josh looks forward to that.

•••••••

“Dude.” Debby unlocks Josh’s house with the set of keys he got for her. “How the fuck did you not realize we were dating?”

“Uh.” Josh takes a second to process her words. “I mean, I thought we were, like, maybe-dating, but we never had the conversation.”

“I have a key to your house.”

“So does Tyler.”

“We’re dating Tyler now.”

Josh runs a hand over his head. “Yeah. We are.”

“Your point does not stand.”

“That’s fair.”

They step inside.

Josh’s house isn’t that big, but it’s a house, it’s more than he ever really expected to own. There’s enough space for Jim, there’s a backyard, there’s a second floor with a couple bedrooms, there’s a nice kitchen.

As soon as they’re inside, Josh unclips the leash from Jim’s collar and lets him get reacquainted with the space. 

The skittering of dog claws on the hardwood floor makes Debby laugh. Josh can’t help but stare at her, at the way her eyes crinkle up when she smiles, at how beautiful she looks even after a long day of flying and airports. 

She looks at him, and he kisses her, because his brain isn’t supplying any other course of action. 

A simple kiss turns into something heated turns into Debby pressing Josh up against the wall and biting his neck. They have time for hickeys to fade. 

“Debby.” Josh gasps out, and that’s their cue to retreat to the bedroom. 

She’s on top of him, she usually is. There’s certain ways that he feels he can give up control, and this is one of them. He lets other people take the lead. 

He’s taken the lead before, but that was with him and Josh doesn’t think about that. 

“You okay?” Debby murmurs at some point, when they’re half naked and flushed and turned on. 

“Yes.” Josh says, and he means it. 

Sex with Debby and Tyler and Jenna means them checking in on him, and he couldn’t be more grateful.

•••••••

Josh and Debby hold hands and Josh holds Jim’s leash. 

It’s a nice day, a little cold, and Debby is wearing one of his hoodies. He’d tried to squeeze into one of hers before they left and it hadn’t worked, so he’s just wearing a jacket. 

He’s caught up in her and Jim pulling on the leash that he doesn’t realize someone’s approaching them until he speaks.

“Josh!”

Josh looks up and plasters a fake smile onto his face. “Oh, hi!”

“Who’s this?” There’s a hint of jealousy in his face, but it’s nowhere in his voice. 

“This is my girlfriend, Debby.” Josh doesn’t know why he introduces her. He wants to protect her from him. 

“Hello.” Debby stops holding Josh’s hand so that she can shake his. 

“Hello Debby.” He touches her hand for too long, lingering in the contact. “My name is Fox. I’m Josh’s ex-boyfriend.”

Josh focuses his eyes on Jim, who is pressing against Josh’s legs. 

“Ah.” There’s something tight in Debby’s voice. 

“You still polyamorous?” He speaks like he’s making a joke. Josh forces a laugh that sounds real. 

“Not anymore.” He’s lying because he needs to.

“Shame. Would be nice to know the two of you.” 

Josh looks up in time to catch his wink. 

He might throw up. 

“C’mon, Mikey.” He pulls on his dog’s leash and disappears down the path. 

Debby opens her mouth to speak, and Josh cuts her off. 

“Home. Home, and then we’ll talk about it.” He can’t take this. 

Jim whines and paws at Josh’s leg. 

He doesn’t cry. He just grabs Debby’s hand and tries not to break her fingers. 

They make it home, and Jim follows the two of them into the bedroom. 

Josh can’t breathe. He can only take in the slightest bit of air into his lungs before it gets squeezed out of him. 

“Joshua.” Debby uses his full first name, and it gets him to look at her. “You’re safe.”

He wants to believe her. God, does he want to believe her. He doesn’t feel safe, though, he feels like every single one of his traumas is trying to claw through his skin and make their home inside of his flesh. 

“Please.” He needs to cry but he can’t make himself. 

“Okay.” Debby crawls onto the bed and pulls Josh along with her. She sits him against the headboard and settles next to him. “It’s okay.” She tangles one of her hands with his and lets her other arm drift across his shoulders and pull him close. “One time, while I was filming, and I swear to god what I’m about to tell you is real…”

She talks him down by telling stories, and he finds himself able to breathe with his head resting against her shoulder.

•••••••

Tour again, this time in Europe, brings comfort in the only way that playing live shows can.

•••••••

Sex with all four of them can be a little awkward, but they all make it work. 

Tyler’s sounds are some of the best things in the world, and the fact that Josh can elicit them and kiss Jenna and touch Debby all at the same time is more than a little overwhelming. 

They treat him well, they respect his boundaries, and he treats them well and respects theirs. 

It works. It works so well. He can’t believe they hadn’t tried this before.

•••••••

Today is a bad trauma day. 

Josh hides it, keeps it locked inside, even as his brain eats itself whole by dragging up terrible memory after terrible memory. 

Tyler wants to have sex, just the two of them. 

Josh physically can’t say no. His body won’t let him. 

It’s easy to fake enjoyment, it’s even easy to just enjoy it. Tyler’s hands and mouth are skilled, and Josh feels good just submitting to whatever Tyler needs. He moans at the right times, he does all the right things, he falls into it with a practiced ease. 

“You good?”

“Yes.” Josh is a liar. 

He thought he’d sworn off lying.

•••••••

Somehow, Josh finds himself alone with Jenna in her and Tyler’s hotel room. 

Tyler’s out doing an interview, Debby’s out shopping, and Josh and Jenna are alone together. 

He’s dressed in soft clothes that are definitely Tyler’s, and he’s brushing his teeth at 2:48 PM because he feels like he needs to be clean in some way. 

Jenna steps up beside him and leans against the counter of the hotel sink. “Want to talk about it?”

Josh spits toothpaste and blood into the sink. “About what?”

“What’s on your mind. If you want to.”

She always knows. 

He sticks his hand under the stream of water and takes some into his mouth, swishes it around, and spits it out. It gives him time to compose his words. “Me and Tyler had sex. Just the two of us. Which we said was okay, as the four of us.”

“Mhm.” Jenna nods. She listens. 

“But, um.” Josh finds it hard to force the words out. “I didn’t feel good about it.”

Jenna tilts her head. “In a shame way, or in an you-were-uncomfortable way?”

“I was uncomfortable.” Josh almost mumbles his words, but his heart thinks it’s very important that she hear him. “But I, um, I lied to him.”

“How big of a lie?”

She assumes nothing, and Josh doesn’t know whether to be grateful or not. “I lied about being okay with it.”

“Okay.” Her hand reaches out and hovers above his arm. Josh nods, and Jenna rests her palm on his bicep. “Okay.”

“I just, how…” He rubs at the inside corners of his eyes with one hand. “How could I say no to him, Jenna? Just, just look at him.”

“Josh, honey, I don’t want to freak you out.” She speaks slowly and carefully. “But, this is kind of a big deal.”

“Okay.” Part of him is numb. 

“If you feel like you can’t say no to Tyler, that’s a problem.”

“I feel like I can’t say no to anyone.”

“You’ve said no to me. You’ve said no to Debby. You’ve said no when it’s been all four of us.”

That’s true. He can’t deny that. “Don’t tell him.”

“I think this is something you two need to discuss. If you can’t say no to Tyler, that’s something that he needs to know.”

“He didn’t take advantage of me.”

“I wasn’t going to say anything like that.” Jenna’s voice is soft and gentle. “I’m just saying that you need to be able to give full, proper consent. That’s important for your safety and wellbeing.” 

Josh slings his right arm across his chest and digs his nails into the skin of his upper arm. “Okay. I’ll try and talk to him.” He knows he won’t. 

Jenna raises an eyebrow. “Try?”

“I…” He swears he’s breaking his skin. He hasn’t been biting his nails lately. “I can’t. It’s so hard to talk. I don’t want him to know. I’m ashamed that he even knows I was hurt.” He glances up at her. “I’m ashamed any of you know.”

“Honey, there’s no reason for you to feel that-”

“I know.” He feels bad for cutting her off. “I know there’s no reason for me to feel like this, but, I do. Just because I know it’s senseless doesn’t make my emotions any less real.”

Jenna drops her hand from his arm. “You sound like Tyler.”

He huffs a fake laugh. 

“I’m serious!” There’s laughter in her voice. “You know how he uses his therapy vocabulary whenever he feels bad.”

“He’s good at his feelings.”

“He’s had five years of serious therapy to get very attuned to them.” She reaches across Josh’s body and takes the hand digging into his arm. There’s blood on his fingernails. “Have you ever been to therapy?”

“I went to a few sessions back in 2012. We ended up touring too much for me to find someone regular who’s good with skype calls.” 

“Maybe you can see Tyler’s therapist, if she’s okay with that.”

“He probably talks too much about me for her to be able to approach me without any preconceptions.”

Holding Jenna’s hand is nice. Josh feels more grounded just from the simple point of contact. 

“You’re probably right. I’m sure she could give recommendations, though.” Jenna’s still looking at him. He doesn’t understand how she can touch him and look at him without being disgusted. 

“I just…” Josh reaches up and runs his fingers across his hair. “It’s hard for me to talk, and therapy is all talking…”

“That makes sense.”

Josh’s arm hurts. He lets go of Jenna’s hand and reaches up to brush his fingers across where he’d broken his skin. 

It hurts, and Josh grits his teeth and lets out a soft noise and tilts his head back and closes his eyes. 

“Okay.” Jenna murmurs. “Hold on.”

She steps away from him and goes to search for bandaids. He keeps pressing on the tiny, bloody slices in his skin.

•••••••

Tyler’s the one who catches him this time. 

Josh is alone in his hotel room, masturbating to something that he doesn’t enjoy and imagining that it’s one of his significant others degrading him. 

It doesn’t feel good, but he’s hard. 

He half-wishes that he was watching something a lot scarier when Tyler sits next to him on the bed and takes away the phone and earbuds. 

“If you need this, you can just ask.” Tyler doesn’t look at what Josh was watching. 

He’s not entirely sure how to answer. “I didn’t want to disturb.” 

“You’re never disturbing me.”

“Okay.”

“What do you want?” Tyler’s hand replaces Josh’s around his dick, and his head tilts back at Tyler’s teasing strokes. 

“I want you to fuck me. I want you to degrade me.”

“What do you mean by degrade?”

“Tell me what I’m good for.”

Tyler catches on quick. 

Josh does feel good underneath Tyler’s dirty words as he gets fucked into the mattress. 

He just doesn’t know if he likes it or if it’s the trauma talking.

•••••••

It’s not healthy, and Josh knows this. 

He should know that he’s more than sex to Tyler, Debby, and Jenna, but some part of his brain tells him that that’s all he is. 

That part of him is satisfied when Tyler calls him a whore. 

Maybe that’s what Josh really is. After all, he does think about sex a lot. He craves it even when he doesn’t really want it. 

Maybe there’s something really wrong with Josh, something that he needs to voice so that Tyler and Debby and Jenna can help.

•••••••

“Um.” Josh finds his voice with Debby when they’re both half undressed. “Can we talk?”

“Of course, dude.” She smiles, and Josh knows he adores her. “What’s up?”

Josh is straddling her. His hands are still on her waist and he doesn’t want to move. “Me and Tyler.”

“You two have been having sex. I know.” There’s a teasing twinkle in her eye. “Jenna told me.”

“Right. But, um, I… it’s…” He closes his eyes. “Debby.”

“Josh.” Her hands stay on his biceps. 

“I keep…” He can’t find the right words. “I dragged him into my… my issues. And now maybe I… I think… god.”

“Hey.” One of her hands curls into his short, short hair. “C’mon, dude, I know you’ve got your words in there.”

“I’m hurting myself.” He knows it’s true. “I’m hurting myself and I dragged Tyler into it, I asked him to hurt me and he doesn’t know he’s doing that, and once he knows I’ve done that he’s never going to speak to me again.”

Debby just stares up at him. 

“Fuck.” Josh covers his eyes with the heel of his palms and gets off of her. He ends up on his knees, bent over on the mattress. “Debby, I’m so sorry.”

She doesn’t say anything, just gently places a hand on his upper back. 

“You didn’t sign up for this.” He’s speaking now and he can’t stop. “You didn’t expect to have to deal with my issues, my trauma, my… my everything. You don’t have to stay. I’m so sorry.”

She rubs his back so gently. “Can you give me a minute?”

He’s terrified she’s going to leave, but she stays. Her touch is safe, grounding pressure. 

Silence fills the room. Josh is too terrified to cry. 

“Me dating you was me signing up for _you_.” She speaks slowly and carefully. “Not for whatever I expect from you, not for a version of you that you aren’t. Being with you means being with _you_. I signed up for _you_ , which means I signed up for your issues and trauma too.”

There’s tears in his eyes.

“I love you, dude.” Debby says. 

“I love you.” Josh responds. It’s the first time they’ve said that out loud to each other.

“Come on, dude. Uncurl. Let’s cuddle and then figure this out.”

He obeys, moving to lie down next to her. She wraps her arms around him and pulls him into her chest. 

She’s soft. 

She makes him feel safe. 

Josh sleeps.

•••••••

“Acknowledging that what happened to me traumatized me is a good first step, right?” Josh’s words come out of nowhere. 

The four of them are in Tyler’s dressing room. Tyler and Debby have just finished a round of Mario Kart. 

“I would think so.” Tyler’s leaned against the arm of the couch, legs strewn across Jenna and Debby’s laps. “I mean, for me, acknowledging that I had problems was the way to start recovery. Believing that my depression was a something I just had to get over wasn’t helping me. Debs, wanna go again?”

Josh sits on the opposite end, curled into Debby’s side. “That makes sense.” His brain feels messy. 

“Again.” Debby is almost singularly focused on the game. “We’re not stopping until I beat you.”

“You’re going to be playing for a long time, then.” Tyler responds easily. 

Jenna isn’t paying attention to them. She’s looking at Josh. “Joshie, what brought this up?”

“I don’t know.” Josh watches as Tyler selects Bowser and Debby selects Peach. “I think I’ve just been realizing that I’ve been referring to what happened as trauma a lot more in my head.” His brain still doesn’t want to call it abuse even though his heart knows that’s what it was. 

Jenna hums in acknowledgement, then turns back to the tv, where Tyler is already in first. 

It’s so much easier to talk when the attention isn’t fully on him. 

Debby loses again, but instead of being angry, she just laughs and asks to play another round.

•••••••

The panic attack comes out of nowhere. 

They’d just been doing an interview, and everything had seemed normal, but then. 

Then the interviewer had called Josh ‘daddy’, and even though it had clearly been a joke there’d been something far too real about the tone. 

He’d held himself together enough to make it to the end of the interview, but as soon as it was over he hadn’t been able to breathe. 

It wasn’t noticeable at first, he’d just been feeling like he couldn’t quite take a full breath. That happened to him a lot. But then. 

Then Josh was hyperventilating, is hyperventilating. 

He doesn’t fully register getting off the couch and bending over on the floor until Tyler’s crouching beside him and placing a hand on his back. 

“Josh.”

All he can do is take in ragged too-fast breaths and huff them out as soon as they make it to his lungs. 

“Josh, listen to me, I’m right here.”

Air drags against the back of his throat. 

“Darling, it’s okay. You’re okay. I’m right here. Can you sit up for me?”

Josh’s response comes out as one huff of breath. “Don’ttouchme.”

Tyler’s hand leaves his back. 

It’s hard, it’s so hard, but Josh manages to push himself up into a sitting position, his back against the couch. 

A paper bag gets held over his mouth, and the rational part of his brain knows that it’s meant to help him, but all he can conjure up is plastic bags and pressure and fear. Before he’s even aware of what he’s doing, he’s pushing away the bag and bending over again and covering his head with his arms. 

“Hold on, hold on.” That’s Tyler. Josh can feel him stand up and run out of the room. 

There’s no one there. There’s nothing there. Josh feels like he’s floating in his panic. Tyler left him, Tyler abandoned him, Tyler doesn’t want to deal with any of his-

There’s a familiar jingling of a collar, and then something nosing at his arms. 

He can hear Jim’s familiar concerned whine, and it’s enough for him to uncover his head. 

Jim licks his cheek. 

“I got your dog.” That’s Tyler’s voice and _oh_ , Josh is never doubting him again. 

It takes a long moment, but Josh manages to sit himself up enough to be able to pet Jim. In return, he gets a huge doggy smile and excited tail wagging. 

Tyler sits next to him, not touching him, just being a comforting presence. 

Josh finds himself able to take in better breaths as he runs his hands through Jim’s fur. Jim shifts to partially sitting on him at one point, and the pressure is welcome. 

Eventually, his breathing evens out, and he wraps Jim in a hug. 

It takes a while for Tyler to speak. “Can I touch you now?”

Josh nods. He feels like all his words have left him. 

“Okay.” Tyler places a gentle hand on Josh’s back. This time, the feeling is comforting instead of terrifying. It doesn’t feel like Tyler is holding him down. 

“Sorry.” Josh manages. 

“Oh, darling, don’t. Don’t. I’m not mad. I’m just worried about you, and I want you to be okay.”

Josh doesn’t know how to respond to that, so he buries his face into Jim’s fur.

•••••••

At the show, Josh finds he still can’t breathe right. 

He drums and he runs to b stage and he drums and he crosses the bridge and he drums and he gets on the crowd and he drums and he gets on the crowd and then he’s bowing and it’s over. 

He doesn’t want to be shirtless. He feels overexposed. 

As soon as they’re offstage, he darts back to his dressing room and finds an old, oversized hoodie. He pulls it over his head and burrows into it, hiding as much of his body as possible. 

There’s a knock on his door, and then it creaks open. He’d forgotten to lock it. 

“Can we talk?” It’s Tyler. 

Josh nods and sits down on the couch. 

Tyler steps inside and shuts the door behind him. He doesn’t move any closer to Josh. “Earlier, Debby told me you were hurting yourself with me.”

Josh ducks his head. Shame burns on his cheeks. “Kind of.”

“Is it the degradation stuff?” God, Tyler sounds so hurt. “Do you not like that? Did you do that with him?”

“Um.” Fuck. “Yes, it’s that stuff. Yes, I like that. Yes, I did that with him.”

“If you like it, then why is it self harm?” Without looking, Josh can tell that Tyler moves and sits beside him. 

“Because…” Josh pinches the bridge of his nose. “Yes, that kind of thing turns me on and gets me off, but it’s… it’s not good for my brain and my health and stuff. But I do like it.” He looks at Tyler. “Do you like it?”

“I… Yeah.” Tyler blushes. “But if it hurts you I don’t want to do it.”

“Okay.” Josh scratches at the back of his head. “Um.”

“Can I ask why you asked, if you knew it would hurt you?”

“Yeah, you can ask.” He digs his nails into his scalp. “I craved it. Like, um, even though I know all the stuff Fox did to me and with me and had me do wasn’t good for me, my brain still wants it. I think so much about going back to him, even though I know it’ll hurt me. I…” He wants to pull his hair. It’s almost long enough, but not quite. “I want to be hurt.”

“Do you know why?”

“It’s all I know.” He might cry. “That was my first real, serious relationship, and I feel like I need that to… to feel okay. I don’t know. You and Debby and Jenna are so kind and it feels so strange sometimes…” He feels like he might break. 

“You don’t need that in a relationship.” Tyler reaches out and his Josh and he is so, so grateful. “You don’t need to be hurt to be worthy.”

Maybe his mind is starting to accept that. “Okay. I believe you.” He isn’t one hundred percent of the way there, but he's starting up that higher road. 

“Are you lying?”

“No.” He isn’t. 

“Okay.” Tyler squeezes him gently. “You stink.”

“So do you.”

“Shower together?”

“Of course.”

•••••••

When Josh gets back to their hotel room, Debby pushes him against the wall and kisses him. 

He likes kissing her, likes making out with her, but something unpleasant curls in his chest when she grinds against him. 

He breaks away from her lips. “Ah, not right now, sorry.”

It felt good, and he feels bad, and for a moment he’s afraid she's going to ignore him, but she steps back. 

“Dude, that’s okay, don’t apologize. Want to cuddle and watch a movie?” Her smile is easy and real. 

So is his. “That sounds great.”

It takes him a moment to realize. 

She’s still setting up netflix when he starts tearing up. 

“Dude, I did it.” His tears are gentle, happy. “I did it, I said no when I wanted to, I didn’t freak out, I did it all by myself!”

“You did.” She hugs him tightly. “I wasn’t gonna say anything, but, dude, I’m so proud of you.”

“I did it.” After a moment, he breaks from the hug and wipes his eyes. “Progress.”

“Progress.” Debby agrees. 

They end up watching a stupid kids movie, but Josh doesn’t mind. He’s settled against her side, her arm around him, a feeling of softness and warmth and safety surrounding him. 

It’s not perfect, everything isn’t suddenly okay, but it’s progress.

**Author's Note:**

> did writing this help me or hurt me? we will never know
> 
> this is the longest non-multichap thing i've ever written, and it’s probably the most personal thing i’ve ever written (i write a lot of personal stuff). a lot of what josh is dealing with in this fic is stuff that i am dealing with currently. uh, it gets better? question mark? it took me a while to accept that i was abused n sexually assaulted by my exes and i am still trying to process things that happened n i guess the feelings gotta go Somewhere
> 
> find me on tumblr @[nonbinaryclancy](http://nonbinaryclancy.tumblr.com)


End file.
